13.06.2011 (343 Days Ago)
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Take a little of the edge off. Laugh a little or a lot! This is the Joke page. Got a Joke you'd like to share? Post it as a comment!
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Dawitt wrote 338 Days Ago (neutral) 0Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg, Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"---o0o---On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."----o0o---On landing, the stewardess said,"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."----o0o---"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."---o0o---"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."---o0o---As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"---o0o--After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced,"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."---o0o---From a Kulula employee:"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."---o0o---"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."---o0o---"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."----o0o---"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."---o0o---"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."---o0o---And from the pilot during his welcome message:"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"---o0o—Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landingin Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."---o0o—Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"---o0o—Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."---o0o—An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?""Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"The little old lady said,"Did we land, or were we shot down?"---o0o—After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."---o0o—Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."---o0o—Heard on a Kulula flight:"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."Edit Remove 0 points
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Dawitt wrote 343 Days Ago (neutral) 0Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall, the room was full of workers & he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him & said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes & handed the guy $1,600 in cash & said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT & don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room & asked does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos.
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Dawitt wrote 343 Days Ago (neutral) 0Church Ladies With typewriters.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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